I gave into some despair and depression last night and this morning, mainly triggered by (in the short term) all the things that went wrong last night and (in the long term) doubting my wisdom in big-picture goals and strategies.
I spent two days preparing the teaching (basically 15 hours in a row, plus a 6 hour break for sleeping), when I like to have two weeks to prepare. I chose a passage that is unfamiliar to me, difficult to understand and containing only a sub-theme (not the overarching one) pertinent to the teens. I was so last-minute, trying to pull everything together, that I didn’t have time to practice presenting the material, so a lot of things came out jumbled and long-winded. I also missed most of dinner and showed up after most of the teens (a bad idea, when I’m the one unlocking the building because Jesse’s in Michigan). And then I spent the first part of the night (the game) upstairs, doing setup.
Jesus, please, despite my failings, use Your Words to penetrate these hearts. May the passion of a soul ardently trying to please You, though often misguided and sinful, be redeemed by Your spirit to make a lasting difference in their lives.
Despair is never the right option. Guilt and conviction need to drive me to the cross in faith, in full assurance, coming boldly to get “mercy and grace in my need”. Even confusion and a thousand question marks should not result in despair, but rather prayer: “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt…” (James 1).
Jesus, teach me to trust You – to believe Your presence, as You walk with me through my trials and the unstoppable river of Your love for me, which flows higher, deeper, wider than I can fathom, even “surpassing knowledge” (Ephesians 3). Please forgive me for my laziness, my procrastination fueled by overconfidence and my wrong priorities fueled by selfish interests. Please change me and make me a tool fit for use in Your hands. Please give me and my counselors the wisdom that we need right now.